the show

the show. i never expected it to be this cold. i knew her before. or i thought i knew her. cymbals blasting. i did know who she used to be. tonight she sent me a picture she drew of the lord of stories. i dont know why she did it. she knew how much i liked him. i always felt i would hate her. for all the things she showed. n for all that i believed. its been long since i spoke to her. a year of obnoxious pretences that everything is fine.

the show goes on.

yet this was real. this was morpheus, calm n collected in my hands. conjured by the magician i once knew. the one i wanted most to be happy. the one whom i wanted to be happy with me.

loud music.

someone just told me that he wud tear it if it were given to him. someone else asked, "why? why now?" i was tuched. ive never cried for her. you know im a liar. she was the only one i spoke the truth to. i was brutal. i was honest. "the silent reproach of a million tear stained eye"...crescendo...

there are guitars, n sounds, n lights n worlds n spaces.

there are too many spaces. n the "life" just seems pushing me n waves. higher n lower..inside n outside. breathless. they still sing. they've changed the song. but its all the same promise, isn't it? n no one ever keeps them. its just this lingerin throb. the one i get everytime i see her. alone or with him. i like him. he's a good man. he makes her happy. it just kills me. ive never been this honest. im usually this abstract. honesty isn't enough. it shud be coupled with straightforwardness. i learnt both late. but i was honest to her. i always was. i swear it. they make me want to cry.

stop the damn show!!!

"mother do u think she's dangerous?" mother liked her. mother thought she was very pretty. mother came down to meet her. i made sure they dint meet. "mama will always find out where youve been"...stop this damn song!! i can but i dont.

i haven't thanked her. he told me to let her know ive got it. she passed it on thru him. i told him i'll do it in person. she deserves nothin less. but its me out here in the cold...getting lonely, getting old. they say "dont give in without a fight". its a minefieled, the path to her. ive been there before. i cant dare it again. but i have. im sorry. im so sorry. i just love you. i love you. i dont want to cry. i dont cry. i never wanted you to cry. im sorry.

i think i'll smoke a while.