moment

one of the more depressin feelings is when i stare at the white sheet n nothin comes forth. the mind's blank as the sheet i set forth to fill up. its not often that i have nothin to say. i think, a lot comes floodin in "a flash of inspiration" as one says. but now i find myself stranded devoid of words n thoughts, far from an idea.
im listenin to music now. not the stuff i really like. but then i dnt know wat i really like. it seems i often go with the flow. like i need some distraction from life. just to look the other way. just a moment, to find nothing but the absence of everything else.
im feeling kinda messed now. very messed. im not really sure why. i feel this way quite often. atleast used to. but i never typed while feelin this way. so this shud be fun, eh! i dunno...it started with me bein slowly rocked, as if in a cradle by kenny g's sax. n now its soarin, the sound, its higher than ever....n there's sinkin in me. im quite outta breath as i type...i let go...breathe out...there..im still low. im hit. i dnt know.. the music's still on. my mind's off the screen n im makin typos...im thinkin of somethin i dnt want to. ive always tried not to. i dusnt matter wat it is. its just that sometimes...rite now...i wish things were different. not really. im happy...but i just wish, for a while life was diff, just so i can know wat its like.just so...

(there ive corrected the typos i cud find...there cud be more though)

i spoke to a friend today. he's far off in another continent. there was somethin he was hidin. ive often spoken that way to ppl. infact i do it all the time. mostly wit ppl i care about. im scared. man rite now u shud see me...im a fuckin pussy sittin here infront of the comp. im "wallowin in self pity" as one of my acquaintances wud say. i cant believe im ashamed of myself. i am. i dunno of wat. maybe...ive failed to live upto my vision of myself. maybe im not the way i want to be abt certain things...maybe im still vulnerable. i cant let go...let go of anythin..in never cud. not of ppl, not of my own walls. im not a prisoner. im however hidin. n im too scared to find out wat im hidin from.
but im desperate now. i dnt want to be lost anymore man...i cant lose anymore...not that i ever have, some wud say. but still...im confused. there are wounds, wounds that dnt seem to heal. but i cant see them, n i never share them. i try to be invincible. im gettin good at it. i often hurt than get hurt. no one can tuch me. i feel like a fuckin coward doin this. i never let anyone close. thats coz im paranoid...n im on the run. n nothin ever happens to me, i always escape.
no one can touch me...