Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose

im kind of panicking now. i have my end semesters in 2 weeks n im...well lets just say yet to start. well posting here is just another way of procrastinating from facing the world of formal education. ive been in class till 4pm, ocassionally going out for a smoke...n then sittin with su, who i bet is sloggin her arse off now. took a long shower, smoked again n here i am. a champon at killing time.
i wonder wat life wud be like with no time to kill. its like cancer or aids. i guess i'd all of a sudden experience a sudden ruch of blood to the head n just be as random as i really wanna be. i'd probably take a huge trip in the himalayas, climb mountains with a frightenein steep...jerk off every night, cut down on alcohol n nicotine. start tellin ppl to fuck off, and mail all those i love just sayin "i love you". and then go sailin.
living life with the end approachin wud in a way be a lotta fun. i meani'd be free at last. no baggage. no clearin exams, projects, no worries of gettin a job or a wife...
hav nothin to lose...
wat i dnt get is we all know we are going to die, someday. we just dnt know how soon. n just this uncertainty just plagues us as we yearn for a "great" life. in the end most of us cant honestly say "i have lived". i want to live.
ive had moments when ive lived. these ones are usually the most unplanned occurences in my life. the most inate random things a prudent human bein wouldn't partake of. yet ive found joy, an unspoken and untold freedom in these moments. ive felt so camplete. i felt alive.
now i have this growing wave towards the centre of my chest n this erudite voice somewhere in me sayin that i shud study. study hard. finish a bulk of my eco now, coz im drinkin tonite n going out for lunch tommorow...n then i wont have time to study. i wont have time.

mother....i dnt want time, i watnt to live....spontaneously.live wit no tommorow. live like today is my last.

one day i will. not today.

Riders on the Storm...

this is adapted from a mail isent to "baba" of whom i'll write some day..till then this is just for the record...


today almost rates as the best day of my life. 20 yrs...well thats been a long fuckin life. not in terms of human yrs perhaps, but definitely a prolonged existence. but today was my day.
fuck.
had classes from 9 in the mornin till 4 p.m. n then while goin to dump my bag in my room to set off for shankar i met vikas, a guy detained n is now in our batch. is my next door neighbour in hostel. perpetual stoner n sweetheart. unfortunately one's personal attributes aren't taken into account while evaluating the end semesters.
pity.
so anyway vikas was on this cycle goin somewhere n i randomly begged him if i cud come along. he asked me to get another cycle n well off we set. we dint kno where we wanted to go, so we picked up some fags from shankars n set off towards shameerpet. on the way we found the shameerpet lake more seductive. so we braved the muck n the rocks n climbed uphill on our bikes (cycles really, but bike sounds hepper!!..i kno i spelt hep wrong...joy in misnamin...joy in misspellin).

we cycled on n the weather....o fuck the weather. ahh...mother, there was wind n smell of earth n shit n all kinds of grass...fuck...it was brilliant. the muck smell dint really bother us coz we were pantin at the end of it n were breathin thru our mouths...but this was just the beginnin...
we got 'fence locked' on our way out. as in we got into some one's property, coz well we lost our way...n suddenly we were in the middle of this really slushy n rocky field with a barbwire fence all around us.
we chucked our bikes over the fence n climbed thru the barbwires....n rode on.

riders on the strom.

once back on the road we had a choice of headin towards shameerpet or back the college way. only the road extended further beyond the college into the great unknown where neither of us had been before. honestly...it just took a look n a grin...we both knew where we wanted to go.

prior to that are a list of trivial events that took place. here goes;

college was rufly 2kms away.
we cycled 2 kms.
there was a bhutta vendor.
we had bhutta.
then came shankar.
we smoked.

n we were off again. we cycled for about 2 kms down into absolute nothingness. only to dodge various cattle on the way. there were some really close misses on buffaloes with foot long horns..other times a herd of goats (herd of goats!!!) led by ancient men covered in huge polythene drapes (usually blue)...the kind with which one usually covered their cycles or bikes. they were so draped coz the weather was gettin ruf. wasn't rainin but wind was blowin wild man. fuckin wild. it was loud too. n we were cyclin against it. after several stops n somethin like 4 further kms we came to this crossroad. it was wat we call a 'choumatha'
one way went back to college, one went straight, one left n one right. it was gettin quite dark at only 5:30 n yet no rain. we however had to scream above the wind to be audible to one another. in this wildly serene atmosphere iron gates to an empty (wat seemed like wheat) field banged shut...well not really shut, but banged...
vikas asked, "ek raasta wapas jail, baki teen maut....kaunsi??"
bein 20...wel nearly 20 n single one usually chooses the latter....we were single n 20.
we went left coz it seemed most excitin of the 4. we cud barely see some 10 mts of it because it turned into somethin that seemed like a forest cover n there were no lights....n we knew it wud get dark early...n we were carryin no torches...so all the better...

freedom was mine...death was near..

there were no bonds then, i dint think of anyone. that part was downhill n we raced into somethin we dint kno. we had nothin to lose n all u cud take from us were our lives. we'd gift it to u then...we were flyin...i was...i know i was...that was the moment. i was one. i dint kno anyone existed. i dint kno anythin, i dint need anythin. i dint want anythin. i was complete. i was high, i was flyin. i was smilin n after long i had no reason to. i had no one expectin me to smile, i had no one returnin the smile.

i was alone, i was one...i had loved...i was loved.

moment.

we cycled till i dunno how long anymore n it had started drizzlin. we came till a fci godown in the middle of nowhere. we were far away from the spider webs. as far as anyone had probably come from where we came. we came for nothin, n this nothin completed me. this nothin was all i had, n it was fuckin beautiful...fuckin beautiful man....

i cud die then. i only wished, n i really dreamt along that it was pp ridin along wit me. n i wudve just prayed for su then....i dont think vikas cares enuf to mind. so its ok.

ive never felt this way before. it was somethin surreal man. fuckin surreal n beautiful.
i came back, we sat n smoked at shankars. he took off. it was rainin heavily now. i messaged su. they were couple of frantic messages, n i was hyper n really free....FUCKIN FREE...
i dunno wat i wrote but she came n it was just the 2 of us at shankar, who becoz the storm that had started now was already packin. su's face looked so grown up in the light of the fire it reflected. so fuckin old. she held my hand n i knew i was safe. usually such a gesture ties me. but i never felt so free before n i was glad she was there. she's my sister. my family here. she dusn't understand me n dusn't find understandin a pre-requisite to holdin my hand. i was back in the prison n here she was my lifeline.

su n i had a conversation taht shall be kept to us. but after that we walked back to campus holdin hands...it was really rainin hard now...n there were puddles formin...so we both went on an expedition of conquerin puddles (speakin in old scot accent...with emphasized r's n lad as la'a'd)...
she was the captain, n i teh first mate....."puddle ahoy captain", n then we wud jump on all of them makin a big splash...n then kick water in at each other.
last time i did that was outside 100c Park Circus wit pp n bullete, when i went home in baba's clothes for the first time.

n so the day ended. after the successful expedition wit captain stunnin su....i was wearied...had some cofee coz we were drenched n then dropped her back to her hostel n came back to mine. the rest in irrelevant....but it was a great day. almost close to the day i first saw the greater himalayas burst out slyly from behind the brown mountains en route to chopta.

fuck it was a feelin of a life time, n i cant write such a mail again.

i need a smoke.

i have a life.

any colour 'I' like...

well having established im a "weird" fellow as per the word's common connotations, i shall further delve into my eccentricities.
i see visions.
as in im not technically schizo or anythin of that sort. i just like playin in my head, at all time knowing that wats in there isn't true. yet i hang on to my imaginence (if there is such a word...im sure cat stevens uses it in one of his songs...i forget which) with a naive hope that it mite just turn out to be true. sometimes not even hoping, rather believin completely wat i see. sometimes wat i see is completely absurd and fantastic, and sometimes they even tho impossible by my present circumstances; are sprinkled with dashes of practicality.
for example i often see myself as a strugglin, third world, young footballer rising from the realms of obscurity to a premiership club and eventually going on to win the european cup. i always however find myself in the premiership. i attribute it to my relative familiarity to the english league as compared to the rest.
sometimes i prefer seeing me taking long walks or having chats with girls, interactions with whom have resulted in a broken heart; or friends who are not near. all these chats n walks often revolve around topics familiar to both myself and my imaginary visitor.
i more often see myself as a rock n roll guitarist. not a frontman of the band. but rather the creative genius behind the overtly iconic vocalist. i see myself touted by music pundits as one of the best lyricist and composers of my time. in these dreams im also known for my low profile lifestyle devoid of scandals involvin women; however, filled with rumours of consistent drug abuse. these 'visions' if you can call them, often end up as a chain of events....thus in my rockstar dreams i die at 27 after 3 platinum albums, OD-ing on stage. however whenever i need, i revert back to my life prior to my death. im particularly fond of this set of 'visions'.
but of all these the most frequently 'seen' vision is the one where im a general. respected and loved by his people and the only hope of his war torn nation. i had been sent to the king when young to recieve intensive training as a kid. in return i pledged my life to his son, my contemporary. we fell in love with the same nobleman's daughter, who chose the prince over me. i also have a sister who married a neighbouring king, n who is very close to the prince in my nation who later becomes king. i grow up to become the general of the state's army, with exclusive control over 5000 horsemen who were trained with me, and to whom i am the lord. not because i ask for it, but its just a manifestation of their love and royalty...king aurther and his knights style...
anyway the nation after the prince becomes king is torn in conflict. people are loyal to the king, however we are under extreme threat from the mongols...they're the coolest warriors in town n i kick their ass...
after that i just go down in history, repeatedly provin my worth in battle. noblemen are scared of me, but my king loves me. yet i demand no post in his court and live with my horsemen. i also come to my bro-in-law king's aid at times. my bro-in-law has serious ego issues, but reluctantly agrees to my aid after his chief counsel (childhood buddy) convinces him of my indispensibility.
now for faces in these dreams i often borrow from my social associations in real life. therefore the 'good guys' are often my friends, and the bad ones are usually people i despise (a common feature among them bein, that they are from the cowbelt).
these dreams or visions (watever) are not as simple as stated above. they are often intricate with details as to emotions, drama, daylight and gaberdine...i literally have a film running in my head. except i decide as to wat happens, nd i can do watever i want. rest assured i always act righteous.

Arnold Layne's Diary:First Entry

well im here devoid of ideas and company. i am alone in a cool air conditioned room filled with technological advances that has plagued our times. i was thinkin of myself. i am often thot of as a deviant. atleast it gives me a sadistic pleasure to be afflicted and frustated with society even when im not. i like being a deviant. to be honest i take immense pride in it and am often irritatingly judgemental about various social commonalities such as ambition, marks paranoia, and pop culture.
these aspects of my character have lent a lack of accesibility to me, which as ive been told by someone really important to me (tho i mite pretend her not to be), has managed to fuck me up and often hurt people who while respecting my wishes of being left alone with myself, have nevertheless been hurt by my behavior.
i have also created an image, as im told, of not taking part in most "earthly pleasures". i find myself again being guilty of contributin to this conception of myself that most of my associations have of me.
the truth is...or the relative/temporary truth that ive figured so far is, that i am loved...and i am despised...and i am also considered "a cool eccentric". its also true that i am alone. we all are, but wat i mean is im alone by myself. for most of my day is spent devoid of human company. i'd be lying to say that i'd never been presented with the opportunity of gaining human connection. but i refused it. now i pretend not to miss it, believing that if i pretend long enough, i mite just believe it and thats who i'll be.