the girl lying next to me

Right now I’m floating on a cloud number tending to infinity. I feel so light its hard to explain. Lying down unperturbed by the confusion around, I dream. I dream that she’s lying here on my bed next to me. I say I dream because I know its not true. I know my brain is merely indulging me.
I’m grateful for such indulgence. I lie here for months to find her sometimes. Its extremely rare of her to visit. And everytime she does, like right now, she just lies there silent, watching me, her lopsided smile with a hint of affection to soothe my worries, her undivided attention upon my face.
She lies there, with me knowing that its not her. Rather it’s a part of me watching me. She is me. She’s cleaner, armed with a well placed mole that would put the world’s best beauticians to shame. She is my muse, my imagination. I’m the picture of the rugged vagabond, a symbol of the decaying physical entrapment. She is my soul, with all my fears; playing the eternal beauty. And she watches me kindly, still smiling.

(Fuck I could goddamn kill for her right now!)

She never speaks. She never did. We just lie here showing ourselves to one another. Actors both, accomplished in our endevours, sharing a shadow. In the play that is to last a lifetime, we weren’t given roles opposite one another. We couldn’t have been. She would just slip in sometimes when my part was on and play it for me.
I’m her lover, for I’ve never loved one more than myself. And she is me. Its this fate I’ve tried to escape for a long long time. To stop being haunted thus. But it can’t be your fate if you escape it, can it? So I failed.
Tonight I lay here next to her, my brain smeared with intoxicants, hopelessly wanting to touch her if only once. But I cannot for she isn’t there, and I’m too scared of finding her not there anymore. I’d rather lay here breathless, watching her spirit gaze at me. Her muted figure letting out vibrations of a feeling of joy while something within me curls up in pain. The world is in perfect balance between the two of us here.
I suddenly wish to cry. I wish to be the darkness of her hair, that cast playful shadows on her face. I wish that she would whisper some of her smile down my ears. I wish I would breathe for its getting to closed in here.

I wish she would stay and end my day.